I wonder who actually reads my blog still, do I have any active followers still? Merr, I need to expel my thoughts right now, seriously I'm practically mentally imploding, my chest is tight and my stomach is flippy floppy, I know, not many people actually subscribe to me and not many will actually read this, I hope I'm not criticized for this because it's my stress relief if I get shit I'll delete it. This past month has been hard, it is my first month, not living at home with my parents, I'm so relieved to get out, I'm happy to be living with my son and my love, but we barely make it, we have food, enough to get by, and we have some money for rent, barely, this would all be easier if I could get a job and be a stay at home mom at the same time, I want to be a stay at home mom, I like being a stay at home mom. but I can't help out at all, I need commissions and donations, I've taken to selling my body, not physically, but digitally. At first I was uncomfortable with it but now it's just something I do, I meet interesting new people, I get to talk dirty or roll-play I get to see the many different variations and shades of the male genitalia, which while I'm on a nude drawing streak is kinda helpful if I decided to do an "intimate" scene or use a male subject instead of a female subject. And while I don't get much money I'm trying to sell my art on a t-shirt making website. I haven't been able to draw anything that would be appropriate for the website, or funny, or cute or absolutely-vomit-tastic-ly clever, I think I may be getting a little depressed.
Now on top of all that shit I find out that I'm pregnant, again, I can't do that, I can't have another baby, I've already made an appointment for an abortion, go ahead, call me evil, I don't fucking care, I'm doing it for my mental health, and for the life of the poor kid because after the last time I had my period, I got shit faced drunk, so shit faced that I barely even remember cheating on my quitting smoking regime, barely even remember making out with my best friend, shit I barely remember having sex that night, I just know that it was in the car... somewhere. so the possibility of FAS is high, the possiblity of post-partum-depression is high, the possiblity of dying in the streets because we can't afford another mouth to feed is fucking out of this world. I still need 400 dollars to pay for this, and I don't have any money. I don't know what kind of payment plans they offer, but 400 dollars is allot less to pay in comparison to the millions of dollars I would pay from birth to adult hood, I love Leo, he doesn't need a brother or sister right now. No one knows about this, now It's out in the open, don't shoot me.
Then what happened next? The only face-to-face best friend I have isn't messaging me, or calling me, or even fucking talking to me in general, unless of course I call her then she has no choice, her fuck head of a boyfriend has screwed her over, she lives in his apartment and she's wrapped around his little finger because if she does one thing he doesn't like he could kick her out onto the street "take all the pictures of your ex's off your facebook!" she has to do it, while he has a picture of him groping his ex and pratically dry humping on camera, I told her that I have a place to stay for her if the ass hole even touches her wrong even if she does ignore me for the next two months the offer is still open because I actually care about people and what happens to them, I don't forget about them because they pissed me off, I think even more about them, I keep them in my thoughts and I meditate on what they did, and what I should do, Living is about love, not about hate, you should always love everyone reguardless of what they did or who they are, in retrospect while loving someone, you should still punish immoral behavior, jails would still be filled with killers and so on, but love is what makes the world go around, I'll still keep my doors open for her because I love her, even if she hates me, my doors are always open to those I love, which is why I began talking to my ex-bestfriend again, because she finally came around and apologized for a bunch of shit that she did that just wasn't right. And now were're okay again, because my heart is open I can forgive so much, but only so much.
I could probably type until five o clock because my heart feels heavy tonight, there's two days until the abortion and even though my decision is set in stone I still wish I had never became pregnant again in the first place that way I would not have to make this decision and make my chest this heavy, all my hormones are crazy, my stomach is less flat than it was, my hips are slightly wider than they were before and I've noticed my breasts are slightly more full while they used to be limp and sad looking. I'm way too emotional and it's much too soon to have another child, no one else knows about this, I don't even know if I want to publish this but I will, I'm disabling comments though, I don't want to hear anything about it, if I did I would allow them, don't go comment on my other blogs just to make a comment about this one, because that's just dumb, if you know me talk to me on a different medium as for now I'm leaving, I'll probably come back tomorrow to complain some more :/
