Not momma-ish

I wonder who actually reads my blog still, do I have any active followers still? Merr, I need to expel my thoughts right now, seriously I'm practically mentally imploding, my chest is tight and my stomach is flippy floppy, I know, not many people actually subscribe to me and not many will actually read this, I hope I'm not criticized for this because it's my stress relief if I get shit I'll delete it. This past month has been hard, it is my first month, not living at home with my parents, I'm so relieved to get out, I'm happy to be living with my son and my love, but we barely make it, we have food, enough to get by, and we have some money for rent, barely, this would all be easier if I could get a job and be a stay at home mom at the same time, I want to be a stay at home mom, I like being a stay at home mom. but I can't help out at all, I need commissions and donations, I've taken to selling my body, not physically, but digitally. At first I was uncomfortable with it but now it's just something I do, I meet interesting new people, I get to talk dirty or roll-play I get to see the many different variations and shades of the male genitalia, which while I'm on a nude drawing streak is kinda helpful if I decided to do an "intimate" scene or use a male subject instead of a female subject. And while I don't get much money I'm trying to sell my art on a t-shirt making website. I haven't been able to draw anything that would be appropriate for the website, or funny, or cute or absolutely-vomit-tastic-ly clever, I think I may be getting a little depressed.
Now on top of all that shit I find out that I'm pregnant, again, I can't do that, I can't have another baby, I've already made an appointment for an abortion, go ahead, call me evil, I don't fucking care, I'm doing it for my mental health, and for the life of the poor kid because after the last time I had my period, I got shit faced drunk, so shit faced that I barely even remember cheating on my quitting smoking regime, barely even remember making out with my best friend, shit I barely remember having sex that night, I just know that it was in the car... somewhere. so the possibility of FAS is high, the possiblity of post-partum-depression is high, the possiblity of dying in the streets because we can't afford another mouth to feed is fucking out of this world. I still need 400 dollars to pay for this, and I don't have any money. I don't know what kind of payment plans they offer, but 400 dollars is allot less to pay in comparison to the millions of dollars I would pay from birth to adult hood, I love Leo, he doesn't need a brother or sister right now. No one knows about this, now It's out in the open, don't shoot me.
Then what happened next? The only face-to-face best friend I have isn't messaging me, or calling me, or even fucking talking to me in general, unless of course I call her then she has no choice, her fuck head of a boyfriend has screwed her over, she lives in his apartment and she's wrapped around his little finger because if she does one thing he doesn't like he could kick her out onto the street "take all the pictures of your ex's off your facebook!" she has to do it, while he has a picture of him groping his ex and pratically dry humping on camera, I told her that I have a place to stay for her if the ass hole even touches her wrong even if she does ignore me for the next two months the offer is still open because I actually care about people and what happens to them, I don't forget about them because they pissed me off, I think even more about them, I keep them in my thoughts and I meditate on what they did, and what I should do, Living is about love, not about hate, you should always love everyone reguardless of what they did or who they are, in retrospect while loving someone, you should still punish immoral behavior, jails would still be filled with killers and so on, but love is what makes the world go around, I'll still keep my doors open for her because I love her, even if she hates me, my doors are always open to those I love, which is why I began talking to my ex-bestfriend again, because she finally came around and apologized for a bunch of shit that she did that just wasn't right. And now were're okay again, because my heart is open I can forgive so much, but only so much.
I could probably type until five o clock because my heart feels heavy tonight, there's two days until the abortion and even though my decision is set in stone I still wish I had never became pregnant again in the first place that way I would not have to make this decision and make my chest this heavy, all my hormones are crazy, my stomach is less flat than it was, my hips are slightly wider than they were before and I've noticed my breasts are slightly more full while they used to be limp and sad looking. I'm way too emotional and it's much too soon to have another child, no one else knows about this, I don't even know if I want to publish this but I will, I'm disabling comments though, I don't want to hear anything about it, if I did I would allow them, don't go comment on my other blogs just to make a comment about this one, because that's just dumb, if you know me talk to me on a different medium as for now I'm leaving, I'll probably come back tomorrow to complain some more :/

Forever and an Age

So much happening, Leo is sleeping for now so I decided to do a blog.... finally. It probably wont be the longest thing in the world seeing as I just got a Tumblr which has so far been easier to manage than this D:


I'm sorry blogger, I'll be back, I promise!!!\

in the mean time I have a boyfriend now YUSSS, I'm excited, after so long of being single, and being pursued by assholes who thought it would be funny to fuck with my emotions, I finally find one who actually cares and even thinks I'm kinda cool. (Bonus Points thar) he's pretty cute too :D
And gives the most amazing back massages, I swear I almost died earlier it felt so good xD
We actually go on dates too, I guess this is me just saying that Leo is doing amazing and growing well, sleeping good too, and I'm happily taken by My Mister Mike :D
who is bomb diggity SHIT!!! ♥

Finally Something New

It has indeed been an eventful week :D

I finally had Leo, after seven days past my due date my midwife finally said, "alright, your water is low I think it's time to induce you" now as some people may or may not know, there are usually some possible complications with inducing, the possibility of a C-section is significantly higher and it's usually a longer process than it would be if things had happened naturally.

But luckily I'm a baby making master and my labor practically went perfectly :D
With of course the exception of a little tearing, Leo decided he wanted to put his hand up next to his cheek when he was coming out so that made the need for a bigger doorway which he promptly made for himself, about ten stitches (which hurts like crazy but I don't care, they were worth it <3)

I ended up getting the epidural, I know I said I didn't want it but I'm so very glad I got it, I would have been dying without it, and possibly growling at my mom the entire time (I had already started when I decided to get it) I didn't even feel it, the nice guy did it between contractions and within maybe even less than 10 seconds I was starting to get numb after that I was in heaven :D

After all this I was able to hold and feed my baby, everything was perfect, of course he didn't breathe for the first 5 seconds of his life but he did and then he got his weight and length and all that good stuff, blood type and the such. Then I got to feed him which was amazing in its self.

Of course things had to get not so perfect, the day before I was going to be discharged the nurse came and told me that Leo was spitting up blood and when they put a tube in his tummy to try and see what was going on, fresh blood started to come out when originally it was old blood. This was scary, I cried, I didn't want my baby to have anything wrong with him, he was so perfect before all that and then suddenly something goes wrong, what could that mean? Well, turns out it was just some of my blood he swallowed during delivery. Phew! breath of fresh air.... what? now he's pooping fresh blood? DAMNIT! we were so close to being discharged I'm glad they caught it before we left though I would have freaked out so bad if I had taken him home and then things started to go wrong again.
They tested him again and couldn't find anything obviously wrong so they asked me to stop nursing for a while.. after that the bloody stool stopped coming and they were feeding him the most expensive formula you could buy. No worries though I would have done it if I had to, plus WIC would give me some for a while if I needed it. So basically they told me to stop drinking milk for a while so we could try him on the breast later because they were assuming that he has an allergy to cow proteins.
They sent us home on Tuesday after noon and everything has been going great with the formula, we went to a doctor appointment for Leo this morning and they gave me the go-ahead to start breast feeding again (YES!! no more precarious trips up and down the stairs in the middle of the night!!!)

So now for the facts and info :DD

Name: Leonardo Nathaniel Brewer
Birthday: March 26, 2010
Birth weight:  6 lbs 13 oz
Height: 19 1/2''

Mama's precious boy with his Nana :D

I'm Pretty Sure I'm Awesome

yeeaaaaaahhh... I just spent the last twenty minutes unraveling my sock because there was a loose string and I don't like loose strings on my clothing :S

the sock deserved it for being stringy anyway :D

I don't have much to report today, I was pretty much online talking to my lovely ladies of SM all day, I almost started organizing my scrapbooking stuff but then realized I couldn't find any tape so I gave up on that I probably could have colored in my epic dinosaur coloring book but I didn't manage to do that either :S

for the most part I've had a pretty lazy day, I really should start cleaning house though, Leo could be here any day D:

ah-hahahahahaha, Stop that!

So I went to go see Alice in Wonderland, anyone who has me on facebook already knows I was a tad dissapointed but it can't really be helped, I can barely remember any of the characters, none of the actors/actresses made their character very memorable. Except Alice, but she was also the main character next to the Mad Hatter (who was more of a tragic character than an insane character) I think Tim could have added a little more dark humor, I was honestly bored with the entire movie and the "insane" characters talked so quickly it was hard to follow the plot. But it's wasn't all that bad (even if it really shouldn't have been 3D, really it would have been just as good 2D I barely even noticed it was 3D the only thing that kept reminding me was those obnoxious glasses :S) out of five stars I'll give it four :3

hehe it's 11:11 right now I just made a wish
/nerd moment

on another note I'm making like 3 scarfs right now, I'm knitting two and crocheting one, I could be doing one more right now cause I have another crocheting needle but working on three at one time is confusing enough xD

maybe when they're done I'll post pictures or something ..... I still have to post pictures of the thank you cards ><
BUT they aren't REALLY finished yet so I still have some leeway :D

Any way I'm so tired, I just figured I would keep up with this blog so that it doesn't die. That wouldn't be good xD

NightyNight

~Meghan

Two days past?

Yup, I've been a little lazy I'll admit. Tired, exhausted, school is stressing me, but those are all silly excuses, I was going to tell you a story about Rob, Kara and Dannie. I'm not particularly in the mood but it's got to be told eventually.

Rob and I had been together for a year and three days, as I had mentioned before, my closest friend through that entire time was Kara, we met in school, it was our Junior year at that time, she was always there for me, she said she thought Rob was a bum at first, but her and I had to practice for forensics and he was available to help us with the male parts. The entire time we were at his house he was flirting with her non-stop and she was embarrassed because she doesn't get flirted with often but she acted as if he was just acting stupid, although later she admitted that she was kind of enjoying the flirting and pushed it on a little.
The next week Rob invited her and I to his youth group where he payed all of his attention to her and completely ignored me the entire time, I was really jealous but didn't say anything, afterward he was paying even MORE attention to her and was holding her hand and even laughed at me and said "so?" when I said he was acting like a prick for flirting with my best friend shamelessly in front of me.
The next day, I broke it off saying that I didn't care if she dated him but I wasn't going to hang around, and they did start going out... but my plan didn't go to well. Rob said that I HAD to hang out with him because he couldn't lose me as a friend. I said fine just don't do shit in front of me, he agreed.... and then failed to up hold his half, but stupid me I still hung around. Eventually after three weeks to a month he got bored with her because she wouldn't spread her legs and started going back out with me.

Now that I've elaborated on that I'll go into the REAL story that I've been meaning to tell (or at least the first part will be in this next paragraph-ish-thing)

As you know I got pregnant, I tried to break it off plenty of times with him but it never lasted because he always promised that he would change or something along those lines, once I did go on a three day streak where I was "thinking" about whether I was going to break up with him or not, and at the end of that one where I said I had come to a decision, he saw the look on my face and got down on his hands and knees in the middle of a fucking parking lot and started begging me to not leave him, saying on his camping trip he had come to a spiritual revelation and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that he couldn't live with out me. Silly me, I took him back just so he would stand the fuck up and quit embarrassing me, but within the next week I ended it for good. We were all at Kara's house, Dannie, Kara, Rob and I (I haven't mentioned Dannie because she's just kind of there, unnoticeable really but she was sitting on the couch during this episode). I had basically been pulling myself away from Rob because I didn't like him anymore, and he noticed and asked me if I loved him still and I said no and that I really didn't want to be in this relationship any longer. He simply stood up, said he was going to look for jobs in Superior and left, Kara, Dannie and I all looked at eachother in amazement, we all expected him to explode on me and a huge argument to ensue.
Turns out he didn't go to Superior, instead he went and bitched about me to his mommy, bummed around for two days then came back to Kara's house, the whole crew was there again, along with one extra person who played a big part in the situation, Ryanne, I'm using her real name because I'm still friends with her and I don't want to remember seven billion different names. I was there because I had nothing better to do and I just completely ignored him, to me, he wasn't even there, I just talked to Kara and Dannie the entire time. Dannie then suggested that we go to the park, innocent enough, we went the girls and I talked then we went home.
HERE was where he finally said something to me something along the lines of 'please talk to me and at least be civil' except I remember it being more pathetic sounding and annoying but I'm probably biased.
I asked him what there was to talk about and he said 'anything' and then proceded to talk about how he's right, I'm wrong and we should just get back together and live happily ever after. By the time he had finished saying what he wanted to say, we were back at Kara's house, Ry had went home to grab something to eat but was going to come back, Dannie was in the shower and Kara was on the computer.
Then it was my turn to talk, but I barely got anything in, I said that I just didn't want to be with him and he interrupted me and  asked why. At the time I was on the spot and didn't have a witty response that I would have liked to say, so I just said 'i don't need a reason, I don't want to be with you plain and simple' and each time I said something he would return with, 'that doesn't make any sense we should get back together and live happily ever after' (although not in those words obviously, that's just what I got from them)
I eventually got frustrated because the conversation was going in circles, I hadn't had lunch yet and I was becoming dehydrated, and raised my voice a notch, he still wouldn't listen so I decided to turn the conversation to me and say "I'm hungry, I'm dehydrated, I need some water" but he wouldn't let me get any and kept acting like a broken record so I raised my voice considerably, but not quite yelling yet, and said "I need some water move!" to which he responded "DON'T SCREAM AT ME!!!!" yes, that voice inside your head that just screamed in a very loud and scary way, that's what happened.
I then ducked under his arm (in court he said that I had shoved him out of the way) and ran to the front door, opened it but then he slammed it before I could get out, picked me up and threw me across the room towards the back door so I used my momentum to make it there and I tried to open the back door but it was stuck I heard him say to Kara "call 911" I had just unjammed the door when he had got to me and when I felt him towering over me I covered my stomach and he hit me, close fisted, in the arm and managed to get a hit in my lower abdomen. After the hit to my stomach he stopped and wrapped his arms around me and started chanting "I'm sorry I'm so sorry" and I responded by screaming "let me go, don't fucking touch me, get off me" I managed to push him off just enough so that when Ryanne came through the front door he was able to turn around and look to see who was there, I took that opportunity to run out the back and down the street.

That's basically all there is to know about that situation. If he hadn't made a plea bargain the charges would have been Child Abuse, False Imprisonment, and Endangerment. That's allot of years. Instead the felony charges were dropped to misdemeanor charges and he now has 18 months probation, I believe it's been 5ish that has passed since then? Either way he can't see me until Leo is one and a half (that's what mom said anyway I never felt like doing the math)

Now there's another story that I feel the need to add on to the end of this, it's the story that explains why Kara and I are no longer on speaking terms. Now Kara was absolutely terrified of Rob after the assault, Dannie wasn't though, she invited him to her house during lunch frequently which is I guess how Kara stopped being afraid of him. But either way they started talking again, and then Rob started telling her that he's always loved her, that she was the only one for him, and that he would wait until marriage to have sex and all that other junk, the same shit he was saying to me before I broke up with him.... minus the sex part obviously. And eventually she gave in and said: okay fine, I'll go out with you again but you have to prove yourself to me.
Which I'm guessing he did because when my birthday came around I had made plans to hang out with everyone, then have Kara stay the night so we could go to Irvine Park and just fuck around and be stupid like we used to, instead she and Dannie went to Dannie's house because Dannie's mom wanted to "talk to Kara" they were gone for 20 minutes and came back we finished watching the mockumentary that I had gotten from netflix, ate cake and dinner...... and then everyone left claiming exhaustion............... at eight thirty, AND they dragged Ryanne out too saying they would take her home. I go upstairs, alittle depressed because my plans were ruined and my eighteenth birthday was turned to shit only to see out my window KARA'S CAR at none other than Rob's house and they're laughing and talking and having a swell time, except Ry because they threatened her if she told me what they were doing. I was obviously pissed but let it go because I didn't know what was really going on, the next day Kara's status on Facebook said "watching a movie with the BF talk to you later", she then messages me on Facebook saying "hey don't be mad at me" I was already furious but asked her why shouldn't I be mad at her, she then said she didn't want to hang out with me that day and I went off, I was beyond mad, I never confronted her about seeing her at Rob's house but I should have, I told her how great of a friend she was and how she always cared so much for me as a friend  *scarcasmscarcasmscarcasm*. I had virtually no friends after that except Ry, and I quickly started hanging out with Julie after that episode.

Any way, that's that, and that is why I don't talk to Kara, and why I barely acknowledge Dannie.

anywho, Long post is long, it should make up for the lazy days at least.

Hmmmm...Talking.. and Secret Code Names?

So today I was going to go ahead and explain my traumatic experience of being attacked by someone you thought you could trust, but it was so long ago (the last day of August last year) and I'm just not in a "Ranty" mood anymore, not really. I will however set the ground work so that I can tell the story more easily.

Basically the purpose of this blog is to explain quickly who the main people are, out of respect to these other girls I refuse to use their real names because I'm not like them, they were my friends and I don't turn my back on people just because someone else says I should, so I'm using false names for these people because I'm not going to talk about them very often. Now, on the other hand I will not use a fake name for Rob, I know I'm going to be talking about him too much to keep up a false name, and I'm sure I would forget it anyway. Anyway I will put it in writing for you who these people are and what they were to me.

Rob~ When I first moved to Wisconsin I didn't have many friends (obviously I had just moved here) but I met Robert through two different people, it was his birthday and that night he asked me out, this was August 25th, we were "going steady" if you would like to call it that, for a while, he had been slowly manipulating me until I wouldn't have a life if it weren't for him, he was my afterschool, my before school, he was even my lunch (we get open campus... and no nothing gross, all we would do is stand in the DQ parking lot smoking cigarettes). He had started to control who I was talking to online and in real life, and talking to guys was definantly out of the question, otherwise I was cheating, I simply didn't realize what he was doing to me until it was too late. I became pregnant, and I wouldn't take that back for the world, I love my little boy more than anything but it was here, when reality punched me in the face, that I grew up damn quick, and he didn't. He was still doing his drugs and everything else he could think of, I'll admit he tried but it was always temporary and he would go back to doing what he did. I ended it eventually, Three days after his birthday, a year and three days.

Now there's more to the story but that's for later

Kara~ Kara, (like I said before I'm using fake names for everyone else) she was my best friend, her and I could do anything together, she was my first legitimate friend here.... but not anymore, I can explain that when I tell the rest of Rob's story.

Dannie~ Dannie is a follower, she doesn't really associate herself with anyone, but she likes to create drama, whether she knows it or not that's what she does and it drives me nuts, this is one of the reasons why I stopped talking to her but there's another reason too, and that's going to be explained with Kara.

so now you know the people who WERE important in my life at the beginning of the school year, I'll just leave it at that for now.

But I do have something nice to type about, I had an hour + long conversations with my mommy, I don't understand it anymore really, before I really could have cared less if mom wanted to talk to me, and I really didn't like listening to her because she can drag on sometimes. But damn that changed, I fucking love my mom, It's like I've become a clingy little puppy dog when it comes to her, and I'm not really ashamed to admit it.
We talked about my boy, and how it'll be growing up, how we'll have to adjust the pets to his smell and how I need to rearrange my room to fit the needs of a small infant and so much more. Talking with my mom is amazing now, and I think it has something to do with the fact that I've grown up a little and I don't want to lose my mommy, but the conversation was nice, I really enjoyed it.

Now I'm off to bed goodnight my Loverlies ♥

~Meghan